GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
You Might Also Like
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.