Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
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“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…