wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
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My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely