My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
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Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”