I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
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Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.