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Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
If you love someone, let them tweet.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
PLEASE READ
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days