Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
You Might Also Like
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door