this chia pet tastes awful
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The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.