me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
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“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
whatcha thinkin bout
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.