I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
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So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices