Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
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Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”