I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
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Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Based Erika
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school