What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
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being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Children of the corn 🌽
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Teach your children to beatbox
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!