A duv-egg? In this economy?
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Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
It be like that sometimes 😆
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.