you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
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Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.