7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
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A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
You are not alone 💚
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
never ask a starfish for directions
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium