You Might Also Like
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
We’re all getting idioter.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”