(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
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“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk