I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
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I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”