My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
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once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid