The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
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I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.