I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
You Might Also Like
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality