If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
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When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Pretty much. 🤣
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Air conditioning – not a fan
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
See..?
.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?