“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
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Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Mad Max Arctic Road
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.