Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
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I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
who wants to go expliring
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
how long have you had this for?
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!