Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
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Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
#Caturday
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something