“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
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“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Selfie
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.