[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
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In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
I’m awake but I object,
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’