It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
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The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
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