Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
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*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”