HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
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I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.