“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
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me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
why isn’t thunder called soundning
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus