I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
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*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands