pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
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[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.