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Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶