I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
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I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
yes… yes…
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework