I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
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7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
My what?
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping