Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
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Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
For the ones in the back.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”