[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
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“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
IT’S-A ME,
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in