Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
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Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.