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Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Batman v Dracula
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
getting old is fun
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.