Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
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Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.