Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
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i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Well, that didn’t work.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]