Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
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Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out