wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
You Might Also Like
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
My typo game is string.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.