“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
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Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Childbirth is so beautiful
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
mmm onion ringos
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”