“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
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Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.