Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
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I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*