I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
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Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
PMS: Hey, I鈥檓 not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You鈥檙e on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I鈥檓 finally going to become a butterfly
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
馃ぃ
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
I鈥檓 not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
No more excuses…
…I鈥檓 canceling that gym membership.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
My right hand: I鈥檒l hold these three Trader Joe鈥檚 bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!