“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
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living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.